Welcome, esteemed fellow readers from around the globe, to the art and science of doing absolutely nothing! Yes, you heard right. In this high-speed, ultra-productive world, where everyone is racing against time, we Nigerians have mastered the ancient, sacred skill of procrastination. Not only a pastime for us, it’s also a lifestyle. Buckle up, as we take a sarcastic, playful, and humorously honest ride through the ultimate guide to doing nothing—Nigerian style.
1. Embrace the Nigerian Time Zone
First things first: Nigerian time. This is not your regular GMT or WAT, but a flexible, stretchable concept that allows you to show up whenever you like. Wedding at 10 AM? Perfect! Arrive at 2 PM. Meeting starts at 9 AM? Stroll in by 11 AM. The secret here is to let everyone know that you operate on your own timeline. After all, why rush when you can dawdle?
2. Master the Art of Excuses
Ah, the good old excuses. To be a true expert in doing nothing, you need to have an arsenal of creative excuses at your fingertips. From the classic “NEPA took light” to the more inventive “My landlord’s cousin’s dog got sick,” or even the outrageous “A goat entered my compound, and I had to negotiate with it to leave”. The more outlandish, the better. Procrastination is an art form, and every artist needs their tools.
3. The Power of the Siesta
What better way to avoid doing anything than by taking a nap? Nigerians have perfected the power nap, turning it into a marathon event. Start your day with a hearty breakfast, then take a siesta. Wake up just in time for lunch, followed by another nap. Repeat as necessary. Remember, sleep is the cousin of procrastination.
4. Engage in Lengthy, Meaningless Conversations
Why do anything productive when you can spend hours in deep conversation about everything and nothing? Discuss politics, the latest football match, or whether Jollof rice is better with goat meat or chicken. These conversations serve no real purpose but are essential to the procrastination process.
5. Social Media Deep Dive
Scrolling through social media is a proven technique for doing nothing. Spend hours liking pictures, commenting on posts, and watching videos of cats doing funny things. Before you know it, the day is gone, and you’ve successfully accomplished… absolutely nothing.
6. Adopt the “Tomorrow” Mantra
There’s no better way to do nothing than to promise to do everything tomorrow. Got a project due? Tomorrow. Need to clean the house? Tomorrow. Deadline approaching? Tomorrow. Just remember, tomorrow never truly comes, and that’s the beauty of it.
7. Perfect the “Busy Doing Nothing” Look
It’s crucial to appear busy while doing nothing. Master the art of looking deeply engrossed in work—staring intently at your computer screen, furrowing your brow, shuffling papers. The goal is to convince everyone (and yourself) that you’re incredibly busy, even though you’re achieving zilch.
8. The Never-Ending “To-Do” List
Write a to-do list so long that it’s impossible to complete. Break down tasks into ridiculously small steps. “1. Turn on the computer. 2. Open Word document. 3. Sit and think about what to write.” By the end of the day, you’ll have a long list with a few items crossed off, giving the illusion of productivity.
9. Blame the Heat
Nigeria is hot. Very hot. Use this to your advantage. “It’s too hot to work” is a perfectly valid excuse. The heat drains your energy and makes it impossible to focus, so why bother? Instead, find a cool spot and continue your quest to do nothing.
10. Attend the Never-Ending Owambe Parties
What better way to procrastinate than by attending owambe parties? These lavish Nigerian celebrations can last an entire weekend. Dance, eat, drink, and socialize to your heart’s content. Work can wait; the party is now.
Conclusion: The Procrastinator’s Creed
In conclusion, dear compatriots, procrastination is a sweet habit, a beloved tradition, passed down through generations with pride. Embrace it with open arms, revel in the joy of doing nothing, and remember: in the grand scheme of things, there’s always tomorrow. So, the next time someone asks why you haven’t completed that task, just smile and say, “I’m perfecting the Nigerian art of doing nothing.”
After all, why rush to the finish line when you can dance your way through life at your own pace? Here’s to doing nothing and doing it well—because life is too short to be in a hurry. 🥂
Yours in the noble art of delay,
Threads of Naija
